2024年9月7日
I have been tired... no, not tired... restless. It is so strange. I cannot find the words. I am seeking something. My soul is yearning for something. It is aching for far away lands. Places I have never seen or been to. I feel comfort in my daily routine but also would like to rip out of my skin and transcend to something holy. I watched a few films the past days. I have a new diamond ring. It glitters and almost blinds me in the sun. My nails have little charms that sparkle too. I painted my toe nails a pearl color. I would rather them be a rosy pink. But that can be changed. I look in the mirror. Is that me? I live in a sort of dream like fantasy about 95% of the time, and then when reality trickles through the small crack, I get startled like some newborn fawn seeing a busy road outside its wooded home for the first time. I truly live inside my mind. I live in a rosy hued, dreamlike mirror within a mirror of fantasies that warm my blood and arouse the senses. I want more. I yearn for more. I build this kingdom in my mind. I just ate spinach in bed. I want to taste my own blood. I want to smell a flower dusted with sweet pollen. I could almost want to let a bee sting me as long as I could watch the stinger. Writhing around in my sheets. Fluttering my eyelashes. Thinking of dreamstates considered to be absolutely sinful. Desiring and looking up to the heavens. To wear a nice skirt with fresh matching knee socks, and to have the whole world in your purse. Dangling keys with baubles and different items hanging, that make clinking sounds. I am ok.
2024年8月5日
Angels singing. That strange peculiar feeling through my mind and blood. In the psyche. Not sure what to say to others I know. When you look at someone, and then your eyes turn to the side. Looking inside the mind. This life. Cannot write any more. For today.
2024年8月4日
Yes. Indeed, I am going to take a bath. I am going to put two tablets into it, scented like flowers. Bubble bath too, scented like vanilla. I will feel good. Yes.
"God in disguise."
A moment of carelessness can lead to the eternal loss of beauty.
2024年8月3日
A string of memories and thoughts:
Purchasing the goldfish windchime. The elderly women running the shop called me cute. Rain.
Running down the metro staircase and wind flying up my skirt, using both hands to try to keep it down while it fluttered upward from the wind. Two people walked by, glancing over, as I was in a corner to protect myself. Went back to my room and slumped on my bed and cried. Moreso sobbed, a cathartic cry, maybe not even related to the skirt. Went back out and purchased perfume that smells like crepes.
Trying an arrangement of cookies shaped like flowers with different creams, jams, nuts, and textures. In a pale pink box with a deer on the front.
A feeling of freedom. Making own choices. Though I have for a very long time, there is a sudden shift of wanting to do what I desire because I will perish someday.
Finding an e-mail from an individual who deeply hurt me. Long, 2-3 paragraphs explaining how they manipulated me and felt guilty, and that they deserve things. It felt like someone injected some sort of sick, molten black blood into my stomach. I feel no need to respond or to acknowledge them in this lifetime or the next.
Drinking matcha, scolding, on a very hot day. Regulated my body temperature to normal.
Lately, I have been seeing lots of fawns. A fawn who was 'yelling' in a moss covered forest. Not a cloud in the sky, but the tree canopy so thick, that the air is heavy and drenching the area in a deep shade. Another time, two fawns prancing around in the dappled sunlight, almost mirroring their movements. Looking side to side, jumping around. Kicking while prancing. How sweet.
2024年7月21日
I barely slept last night. It is currently 10:12 AM. So, I might as well write a diary entry.
The other day, there was a torrential downpour. Milky gray skies, that merged into a deep darkness. Hints and echoes of thunder in the distance. I decided to go to a buddhist temple up in the mountains. I took my clear umbrella with me. There is something nice about hearing droplets of rain on an umbrella, while you are safe beneath the canopy. I walked up the staircases, they were made of old stone, and thankfully not slippery. The unevenness of the stone allowed some water to pool up here and there. I was wearing flats, so both my shoes and socks were soaked. But it was clean rain.
I ascended more and more, and I arrived at a cemetery. During storms, there is sometimes an open area of the sky that lights up to a sort of frosted-glass white color, the sun hidden, but shining through almost like a mirage of an angel. That is how the sky looked when I gazed at the cemetery, high above the town. Not to be disrespectful, I kept my gaze short and continued on. The sound of rain against my umbrella. My shoes, sopping wet going up cold stone stairs. I arrived at a small house. I was going to come closer, when inside I saw something peculiar. There was a warm, orange light emanating from within. My eyes searched around higher, and met eyes with a monk. I cannot explain the expression that this monk had on his face. It was not entirely neutral, and it was not smiling either. I would say a powerfully contemplative expression. In that very moment, I felt this energy go through me. This occurred when I locked eyes with him. The orange glow lit his face from below, and I was not spooked - moreso - stunned, and my eyes widened; I turned around quickly and as safely as I could, went down the mountain. The rain continued to pour, and I was safely under the canopy. The peace the monk must have felt in the house up high, hearing the rain and thunder, and then I arriving stunned. How silly . . . How beautiful!
At the bottom of this temple area, there was a nice shop filled with handpainted windchimes. They were made of glass, I purchased one. It has a black goldfish within it, and the glass is painted a soft blue.
This was fitting, because days prior I went to an exhibition of many different goldfish. With the goldfish, music accompanied them swimming. It brought me to tears.
After writing this, I am going to apply a soft perfumed cream on my arms and neck, and try to make it through this day on no sleep. However, adoring to reminisce on memories. I shall write more soon.
2024年5月18日
Perfume. Perfume... Aroma.
Being wrapped in a soft fabric. Hot baths with scented oils. Exhaustion.
2024年5月2日
"You are only void if you think you are void"
What a lovely day. Bless this day. Universal light and love. I showered this evening thinking about the power of nature, the power of forgiveness, the power of love. There is so much content out there that harks upon you to stop being so nice to others, the news tells you what will happen, how you should feel. Others tell you how you should feel. Who are they to be the authority, or author, of your life? You create your life through the power and speed of thought, affirmation, manifestion, and the imagination. Dreams too, are equally powerful. They show your mind responding.
Conscious is male, and subconscious is female. Like a loving, married couple.
Disease. Dis-ease. Think, think, oh my! I have a chronic condition, and disease results from fear and negative energies. My past life, was I full of fear or surrounded by imposing forces, a negative energy? Today, I do not just feel shackles are released, they are. My heart was feeling tight and bound by a horrific sentence someone told me the other day, but with new knowledge and understanding, it is like my heart is blooming with absolute joy. Yes, forgiveness! Even forgiving those who your previous self thought was evil. When you consume yourself with this emotion, oh, this person said this, oh this, the past - - No. Live, live, live, love, in this present moment. Forgive and even bless them . Forever changing, upgrading and evolving. This matrix is a mirror of yourself. It is almost unexplainable. I feel my body radiating with love and light moreso than ever before. The godhead, the infinite soul, the beloved spirit, who, if you did not know, adores and loves you, is here within your very core. Army of angels, spirit guides, and ancient energy. Channelling. Yes, oh yes! To feel this pleasure.
2024年4月28日
Dreams of deja vu. Deja vu inside of a dream?
Walked into an area. A box. A man was writing script on vertical tapestries. It looked like tatami mats taken apart.
Black ink. I was astounded. A strange feeling.
He looked at me ... this certain look. Why are you surprised? You have been here before.
You have been here before.
On another note. Have been obsessed with perfumes.