2024年2月1日

Not sure if I know who I am anymore, the sense of self, but at the same time I do know very well. Lots of beautiful things happening and lots of not so beautiful. Strange, vivid dreams, usually of architectural layouts of hallways with a plethora of doors, people dressed regally or in garments that could not be produced on planet Earth. Violet dragons, coiled in a foggy, mist doused forest, with a golden plasma-like glow extending from my fingertips to their snouts. Waking up in a sweat. Lots of baths, lots of baths. Filled with bubbles. Feeling an intense amount of loneliness even when I am around others, playful thoughts of my own death. Somehow lately, I just feel more and more that the greatest experience is to be within the afterlife - but I shove those thoughts aside quickly, almost like dustbunnies. I wish for flowers, soft petals, to dance in my face, to smell them deeply. My entire existence to be chosen to reincarnate on this planet is Love. To heal myself, and to assist in Healing with others. However, I feel so incredibly drained and tiresome, fatigued, pained, and all that satiates me is making different teas I have kept in caddies decorated with painted mountains and red flowering trees whispering to eachother on black lacquer. The ritual of making tea is incredibly comforting. I purchased a corset. A new bed set. Books. I drank a martini with white cranberry juice and lime. I stare at the star flecked sky. What is out there? Please, I wish to be up there. Putting moisturizing cream on my face and camellia oil in my hair. Looking at hair ornaments made out of horns. Feeling a deep compassion for small animals. I fed geese and they bit my hand, and I watched them squabble over little pieces of corn and seeds. My god, my body is hardened, in the sense of my muscles from stress. I wish for hedonism, massages, and for someone to brush my hair. I wish for many things. It is only human. I stare at my folding screen which has two cranes gracefully stepping along in a garden with bonsai and flora. Carelessly, my pearl necklace in a pile before it. Beside it, a greek statue of a goddess reclining. An empire of items. My tea kettle. Earthenware tea cups. I went into the mountains, and I walked on an ice covered lake. I rode a large, fluffy horse through the snow. Its large body and warmth was inspiring with its strength to keep going, even over hidden rocks beneath the snow draped earth. Sometimes, when you gaze into someones eyes for too long, you get this quivering sensation, and you look away quickly. This is what They meant by the eyes are the window to the soul. Unspoken, cannot be told, but felt. My heart is weak, and sometimes I get sharp pains in my chest. I am yearning and longing. I am looking at the sky for angels.